The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
that's an acceptable place to lick
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
