im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Randomize
