I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
