I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
