He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
