i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Welp...herpes.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
