i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
