he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
