i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize