It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
