yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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