Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
