someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
