just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
