so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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