she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
