summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
