Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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