i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I think i got beer on your cat.
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