My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
