Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
