this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
and she was petting her beer can
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
