Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
