Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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