Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
