Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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