smell my finger.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
