so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I touched a dick in church today
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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