My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
