My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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