I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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