I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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