The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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