I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
