I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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