Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
