I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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