I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
