We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
50% drunk capacity currently
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
