You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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