her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
