sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
