I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Is Oprah even human
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