The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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