I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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