i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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