I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
