you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
