Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
