Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
